BURNS'S PLAYBOY GHOST

From Glasgow to the Hebrides, when Scottish bagpipes wail
And drummers drum for Robert Burns, 'tis time to drink Scotch Ale.
'Tis the day when all of Scotland drinks to Robert Burns.
And if ye drink enough Scotch Ale, Old Robert's ghost returns.

His ghost returns resplendent with his sporran, tam and kilt.
And he's been known to curse in verse, should his Scotch Ale be spilt.
His kilt's the pride of Scotland.  It bears the family tartan.
He wears nothing underneath.  Burns's ghost is Spartan.

Although the ghost is somewhat shy, he just need lift a glass
Of Scotch Ale.  Then he'll lift his kilt for every passing lass.
On Burns Night he eats haggis, Scotch eggs and cock-a-leekie,
While lassies lift the laddies' kilts to sneak a little peeky.

On Burns Night lads and lassies seem to lose their fear.
They have a transformation on this night every year.
Some people say there's magic in these Schlafly beers
That makes some proper lassies act like Britney Spears.

Now, we all know that Britney sometimes lacks composure
And sometimes has a problem with way too much exposure.
Speaking of exposure, some of you may have seen
That Schlafly Beer was featured in Playboy Magazine.

I did not make this up.  I'd never tell tall tales.
Playboy said we brew some great "full-bodied" ales.
Yes, Playboy said "full-bodied" about our Schlafly beers.
And they've specialized in full bodies for over fifty years.

Speaking of full bodies, if the truth be told,
Our Scotch Ale is better than a centerfold.
Among true connoisseurs it is widely known
Our beer is all natural.  It has no silicone.

Scotch Ale does not need unnatural alteration.
Surgery can't produce such a fine libation.
But doctors will attest that Scotch Ale is nutritious.
One pint has lots of vitamins and also is delicious.

Scotch Ale has far more nutrients than beer that's labeled light.
Light beer cannot keep you warm on a wintry night.
Scotch Ale fights the winter chill and has a taste to savor.
Lose the carbs and calories and you also lose the flavor.

Light beer would never pass the ultimate winter test.
You need Scotch Ale to keep you warm if you're scantily dressed.
Miss January knows light beer can make a poor lass freeze.
But Scotch Ale keeps her warm while wearing nothing more than skis.

On that note Burns's ghost gives us all a wave,
Downs his beer and says, "It's time to head back to my grave."
With these parting words, he fades into the night.
The ghost of Robert Burns has vanished from our sight.

Now, I ask you all to join me in a toast
To the spirit of tonight, Robert Burns's ghost.
In his lifetime he enjoyed many pleasures without guilt.
Let's raise a glass to one who raised our spirits and his kilt.

January 24, 2008