February 12th was the 210th birthday of two towering figures of the 19th century, Charles Darwin and Abraham Lincoln. Darwin is remembered for his theory of evolution, which challenged both the established science of his day and the deeply held religious beliefs of millions. Lincoln is recognized today as the president who led The United States through the greatest existential crisis in the nation’s history. He was known by the moniker Honest Abe and was the subject of a book titled Young Lincoln, which was written by an alert reader (AR) named Jan Jacobi. In May of last year, Jan held a book signing at Schlafly Bottleworks and asked me to compose a poem for the occasion. I was honored to deliver “The Bottleworks Address”:
Once upon a time one score and seven years ago
At Twenty-first and Locust Streets good beer began to flow.
Eric Greitens was in high school. His girlfriend was a baby.
Stormy Daniels was in grade school and still a virgin…maybe.
Local beer in those days was endorsed by talking frogs.
Beer like this would never suit a president who split logs.
President Abe Lincoln was renowned for splitting rails.
And when the job was finished Honest Abe drank honest ales.
If Lincoln were alive today, he’d admire our focus.
No Missouri compromise at Twenty-first and Locust.
Beer of, by and for the people. No industrial swill,
With owners in America, not hedge funds in Brazil.
There was a fearless leader who always told the truth
And was faithful to his wife. He was shot by John Wilkes Booth.
Lincoln was a capable and ethical commander.
He was not a hypocritical, tee-totaling philanderer.
Trump and Greitens both have had multiple affairs.
Both can point to Clinton and say, “No one really cares.”
Both of them will proudly say, “No matter what you think,
I am truly moral because I do not drink.”
They do not drink beer or wine or any kind of spirit.
Talk of infidelity? They don’t want to hear it.
Both will tell the public that their consciences are clear.
Both may be adulterers. But they don’t drink beer.
Unlike Trump and Greitens, Abe Lincoln loved his beer.
And a woman who cut Lincoln’s hair never had to fear.
From Lincoln in the White House we’ve come a long, long way
To Eric Greitens’ cellphone and Stormy Daniels in Sauget.
Lincoln never would have wooed a pornographic star.
He would not have tied a woman to a chin-up bar.
Lincoln never would have said to a naked lady:
“Hold that pose right where you are while I get Matthew Brady.”
Now I ask you all to join me in a toast.
In case he’s here tonight, let us drink to Lincoln’s ghost.
To his Gettysburg Address I now propose a sequel:
It’s obvious all beers are not created equal.
As most ARs will recall, the trial of Eric Greitens was expected to be The Trial Of The Century (TTOTC) in St. Louis. These same ARs will also know that TTOTC never happened. After spending hundreds of thousands of dollars building a case against Greitens, the Circuit Attorney for The City of St. Louis inexplicably decided to drop the felony charges against him. Two weeks later Greitens resigned from office and disappeared from public view.
It now appears there’s going to be another TTOTC in St. Louis: a class action lawsuit against Stan Kroenke and The Los Angeles Rams. As one of the thousands of PSL owners who were gullible enough to believe Kroenke and Rams President Kevin Demoff when they said they wanted to keep the Rams in St. Louis, I am happy to be part of this class action, which brings to mind some words I recited at The Tap Room on January 25, 2018:
Kroenke made a solemn vow and swore the Rams would stay.
But he kept his fingers crossed and moved them to LA.
Now Kroenke finds himself facing litigation.
At issue are his greed and gross prevarication.
He may have to testify back home in Missouri.
Will he then lie under oath? What will he tell the jury?
It will be instructive to hear him testify.
Will everything that Kroenke says be a bald-faced lie?
We don’t know just what he’ll say. But there’s one thing we know.
When Stan Kroenke starts to talk, his nose will start to grow.
Let’s now drink to honesty. Let us raise a glass.
Let us toast the lawyers who sued Stan Kroenke’s ass.
Two poems in one year, respectively at The Tap Room and Bottleworks, and respectively about Honest Abe and Lying Stan. Between them, these two told the truth about fifty percent of the time.
Chairman – The Saint Louis Brewery